Oh No, We Don’t Talk About Intimacy

Written by Auvon St. Louis

When I first met my husband, I felt obligated to share my diagnosis of endometriosis and infertility. I wanted to make him aware and how it could affect our future. Optimistically, he said he didn't think it would be a problem, and we began our fairytale relationship without flaw. We shared many of the same values, had great communication and connected on every level, including sexual compatibility. Within eight months we were happily married and eager to grow our family. Coincidentally, our wedding night was the first time Endometriosis became a real issue for us.

Auvon St. Louis

When we attempted to consummate the marriage, I began experiencing such excruciating pain that we were forced to stop. My husband held me as I laid in the fetal position crying from the remorse, I felt of ruining our first night as husband and wife. We ended our evening ordering Door Dash and watching “The Office” in our hotel room. He was completely supportive, but I knew from that day forward Endo was a bigger part of our marriage than I had imagined it would be.

From then on, my pain worsened severely each month, even outside of my cycle. Our sex life began to take a major hit. I had pain with both intercourse and orgasms as well as nerve pain that would shoot down my legs. We would often have to stop so I could medicate myself and rest. While my husband was patient and understanding, this still created constant feelings of guilt and anxiety that I just could not shake. It affected how intimate I would be with him not only physically, but emotionally and mentally as well.

Whenever my partner would try to touch me in a romantic way, I would shew him away to avoid the possibility of arousing him. Even sex scenes on TV made for awkward situations as I would retreat to avoid the very idea of intimacy. The thought of painful sex, even when I did desire it, brought on so much anxiety that I would talk myself out of it and hope I would have the courage tomorrow. Eventually I had shut down attempts at affection so much that we had to remember to even hold hands. The constant avoidance made him feel lonely as I disregarded his love language.

You should know that having endometriosis doesn’t affect your partner's desire for you. They’ll still want to kiss you, embrace you from behind, make suggestive comments or jokes as normal couples do. However, due to the limited physical contact, these gestures may leave you feeling lusted after or objectified. This can lead to arguments or tense conversations. You know these aren’t your partners true intentions, but your lingering guilt and insecurity are telling you otherwise. The very moment you start to feel less than, remind yourself that your partner chose you for you and that you are more than enough. If you are ever told or shown otherwise, it’s time to move on. Someone will love all of you and adjust to your needs because you’re worth it.

Though your partner may never understand how endometriosis affects your life, be honest about your pain and emotions you are feeling. Trust your partner not to view your expression as complaints, but to understand how to better help you both. Sex and intimacy don’t have to be completely off the table. There are ways to make it work.

Endometriosis can sometimes steal the spontaneity of sex, while your partner cautions against your pain. Because of this, initiating sex can become complicated on both parties. Something my partner and I utilize is a thing I call, “The Mood Candle”. I purchased a three wick, scented candle that he knows is specifically for quality time. Each wick represents the level of intimacy you can handle (decided by you and shared with your partner). All three lit means you are open for a full experience!

For example:

1 Wick-Kissing/Foreplay

2 Wicks- Gentle Intercourse

3 Wicks- No Restrictions

When my husband walks into a room and sees or smells this candle, there is instant excitement. Since you’ve already had time to prepare mentally or physically, this makes for a great experience where all expectations and limits are understood.

You can purchase these candles and more by this Black-Owned, Woman-Owned Business, “Lit by Sonshine” at www.sonshinebath.com or @litbysonshine on Instagram